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[20 Nov 2009|06:23pm] |
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Just recovered from the second worst hangover of my life and received this text from my 45 year old Filipino cousin: "Hola, ading what r u do'in now? Do you want to come here at home then will drink. What can u say, if Rachel is with u ask her f she want too. Call me f u want."
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| wtf |
[08 Oct 2009|06:17pm] |
Skipped classes today and read and wandered. Going to get drunk at the internet cafe I'm at right now, read a little bit, smoke a lot of cigarettes. I'm alternating between reading The Bell Jar and The Rules of Attraction, both of which I should've read when everyone else did when they were like fifteen but that's when I stopped doing anything in life ever. Anyway, they're making me ridiculous, so I guess the next time I go pick out books I'll get something wholesome and whimsy. This is what they gave me today at the tobacconist's shop for free, along with a lighter that doesn't work:
wtf? But I put my cigarettes in it all the same.
I got my septum pierced and the ring I have to have for four months is so long that sometimes it reminds me of the mustache of a very sage Chinaman:
yeah oh well i'm in spain fuck everything
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| a follow-up: |
[05 Oct 2009|11:55pm] |
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i said really terrible things to my father and now all there is is silence.
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[04 Oct 2009|11:49pm] |
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i really really really dislike my father
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[30 Aug 2009|10:57pm] |
this summer i've twice fucked david and thrice watched practical magic. i don't know which i think is more sad, which is more true to myself.
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[17 Aug 2009|11:00am] |
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I'd been doing really well until I went to Chicago last weekend, which started this week of chain smoking and wine drinking. Last night I set out to buy a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of wine, but ended up buying raspberries and Naked Juice instead. I really want a cigarette right now but defiantly threw away my last two yesterday. I just brushed my teeth but think I'll eat a little bowl of raspberries and drink a little glass of Naked as a consolation.
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[02 Jun 2009|11:39am] |
I hate life because I used to like school and now I don't and because I used to be motivated and now I'm not. I used to be so smart, and now I'm dumb dumb dumb.
I used to be good. I once took a picture that I like:
(March 2005. This is a picture of what it was like laying outside of [what was for only one more month] my grandma's house after going to church with my best friends, Wilson and Mary— not because we wanted to worship our Lord and Savior but because we thought Galen was really cute and because we still kind of liked to stalk boys— listening to "Wagon Wheel" on repeat, reading Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, talking to Peter about how he went to a Rangers hockey game with his brother and how "they are a different breed out there".)
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[13 Apr 2009|11:40pm] |
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My hairs are growing. When they get real long and I want to throw them in a braid over my shoulder.
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[27 Dec 2008|11:22am] |
This break I only read Ignorance, The Seven Voyages of Sindbad the Sailor, One Hundred Years of Solitude, and The Picture of Dorian Gray; but considering I've otherwise only read a handful of books for pleasure this year, I could've done worse. I didn't go to St. Louis, but then I've had a hard time even leaving my house, much less my city. I love this city. I almost finished a whole crossword puzzle yesterday by myself.
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[17 Jul 2008|02:41am] |
"a wind has blown the rain away and blown
the sky away and all the leaves away,
and the trees stand. I think i too have known
autumn too long
(and what have you to say,
wind wind wind --- did you love somebody
and have you the petal of somewhere in your heart
pinched from dumb summer?
O crazy daddy
of death dance cruelly for us and start
the last leaf whirling in the final brain
of air!) Let us as we have seen see
doom's integration . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a wind has blown the rain
away and the leaves and the sky and the
trees stand:
the trees stand. The trees,
suddenly wait against the moon's face."
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[24 May 2008|03:03am] |
David might usually fuck older women but he sure is immature.
And I'm just a baby.
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[09 Apr 2008|01:11am] |
| [ |
music |
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The Rolling Stones |
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Davey's flesh is tattooed and soft and sometimes he smells like beer. He's awfully nice to me and I like it; I like that his hair is long and stringy; I like that he cooks for me. He's never told me that I'm pretty and I like that, too.
I cannot wait to graduate.
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| miscalculations |
[26 Feb 2008|12:12am] |
| [ |
music |
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Japanese Gum/Her Space Holiday |
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Perhaps I was wrong; this desire to be his Saving Grace stems from a deep-seated need to find salvation myself. Maybe he's not crazy, and I'm only projecting my own madness onto his serious demeanor, his tales of a troubled past. But the truth, naked of sugar coats or even sweaters, is that giving a guy a handjob in a dirty stairwell, stashed away from the witnesses who could verify your existence, absolutely does not mean you are or ever will be in a relationship. In fact, I would almost say it disqualifies said notion.
Then again, this is only five days later. Ha. Ha ha ha. Ha hahaha.ha.ha. Ha.
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| play-acting? |
[20 Feb 2008|11:02pm] |
Tonight P. had about eight cigarettes and I came home smelling like smoke. He moves mechanically, twitches oddly; his eyes pop out like Prouty's. But he smiles like a human. I want to see past androidal actions and find the four-year-old boy within, if he exists, if he still enjoys coloring.
(Yet perhaps he is only this character and nothing else. He said something like, "I have this theory: your mouth is [fairly] equidistant from your heart and from your brain, and this makes words their compromise." But in truth our mouths will never be as close to our hearts as they are to our brains, and perhaps his smiles are as calculated as his conversation.)
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[05 Jul 2007|07:07am] |
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You, you and your life, you are just really, really, disgustingly sad.
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[18 Apr 2007|09:04pm] |
Oh, stagnant body!
You were once immobilized by burdensome love-feelings
and begged for more friction with less substance.
Look!, now healing has demoralized hungry heart,
has left holes in soles exploring cracks of stony flight.
Abandoned by a concept too tired to exist, who last exclaimed,
"Live on terrestrial plane!
Expel those breathing thinks!
Trade in wispy intimacy for a pair of concrete bones,"
you can, again, become of meat and skin.
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| depth of field? |
[13 Feb 2007|10:51am] |
to focus velvet lips and brassy bones
led by moles aligned like cobble stones
leaves the worry all blurry
and your flesh is crisp
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bellarus's journal